On the night before my anniversary, I think back to how scary it was, how nothing made any sense, and how much love can cost. But now, 9 years later, I wonder if our love affair would have been different had we not paid that great price. We’ve watched our friends and families marry, their unions seeming to make all the sense in the world, and the days they pledged their love, perfect. And when they've divorced, we’ve scratched our heads and wondered if the other shoe will ever drop for us, because, more than anyone we know, we don’t make any sense whatsoever. Whatever the case, happy anniversary, Jeremy. You are what love illuminates.
CHAPTER 8
After the weather had cleared, Jeremy came to pick me up. The roads had been plowed from the blizzard, but driving was still treacherous.
My thoughts weighed me down. I still had questions, and lots of them. I shut my eyes and leaned my head back on the headrest. It appeared my only choice was to run away with Jeremy. By my parents keeping us apart, it prevented Jeremy and me from figuring out anything for ourselves, and they, including Pastor Les, exposed us for what neither of us was: promiscuous.
I knew the choice I had to make, and just thinking about it suffocated me. I destroyed Jeremy’s trust and I desperately wanted to regain it because I loved him. I wondered if Chad was still around, whether or not he would have supported me. John was still too young. It wasn’t fair that he still had a couple more years at home. But life wasn’t fair. If there was anything I knew now it was that.
I felt Jeremy’s eyes. “What are you thinking about?”
“Nothing…Everything.”
He reached over and patted my knee. “I know you’re nervous, but you’re doing the right thing by pulling away from your family.”
“Do you think that God will punish us by taking our baby if we disobey him?”
Jeremy didn’t look at me, only drove and stared at the interstate. When he spoke, his voice was barely audible. “I don’t even know how to respond to that without dissolving into expletives.”
“So there is no question in you as to if what we are doing is wrong?”
“No,” he responded with resolve. “I don’t believe in a God like that.”
I looked back out the window. “You are fortunate to be so sure of yourself. I don’t believe God is like that either, but at the same time, if I were to miscarry this baby, I’d blame myself.”
“My God.” He grimaced. “What have they done to you?”
“They love me,” I said quietly.
“If they loved you, they wouldn’t treat you like they are.”
“People make mistakes.”
“They’re making a pretty damn big mistake.”
“My family never used to be like this. We used to be happy. We used to care about each other.” I thought of Chad and the laughter at the dinner table. Didn’t even seem real anymore.
Jeremy set his jaw. “Then if that’s true, then something unfathomable must’ve happened to them.”
We said little for the remainder of our drive until we were close to his parents’ house. I looked out my frosted window, the snow-covered terrain a blanket as vast as my doubt.
Jeremy switched on his blinker and turned onto his parents’ street. “I was thinking we could get married tomorrow instead of Wednesday like we discussed.”
“I can’t.”
“Why not? You’ll already be with me. What’s two days sooner?”
I felt my chest constrict and a tear slipped down my cheek. I didn’t even know what I wanted anymore. “Because I don’t feel like a bride. I don’t have a dress or shoes. All the clothes I have are what I took with me to Paula’s house. UPS hasn’t delivered my ring yet either.” I swallowed hard. “And I haven’t shaved my legs in a week.”
“I’ll take you shopping in the morning then. We’ll get you nice dress to wear, maybe a couple of nightgowns. We can use a different ring for you until the other one arrives.” He paused. “Michaelia, I don’t care about your legs.”
I didn’t call anyone in my family to tell them about the wedding.
The next morning, Jeremy and I went to the court house and purchased a marriage license and called the first minister on the list. Jeremy took me shopping and I found a burnt orange skirt and off-white blouse. I liked them, but they weren’t bride-like. And I hated the shoes. They were open-toed wicker-chair-like platform sandals. They made me too tall and it was February and snowing. I told Jeremy I liked them because I was tired of looking and it was already afternoon. By the time we got back to the house I had barely enough time to fix my hair, much less shave my legs.
I sat at the vanity in the spare bedroom in Jeremy’s parents’ house and twisted my hair back into bobby pins and curled the ends. My roots from my last hair color showed badly, so I tried to disguise them.
I heard a soft knock at the door and Jeremy peeked in. “You ready? The minister just showed up.”
“May I have five more minutes?”
“Okay. I’ll wait for you downstairs.”
After I’d finished with my hair, I stared into the mirror at my reflection. I didn’t see anything that resembled a bride on her wedding, but a scared, mess of a girl who was about to lose everyone she loved. I dabbed a little more concealer under my eyes, took a deep breath, and got up and headed downstairs.
Cheryl, Jeremy’s mom, had decorated with candles and burnt orange and cream-colored streamers: my wedding colors. Jenny, Jeremy’s sister, had baked a peanut butter cheese cake at our request. Her husband Russ stood next to her, as did Jeremy’s brother and parents.
Jeremy stepped beside me and took my hand, giving it a gentle squeeze.
The minister, balding, and wearing a western-style suit, offered his hand. “My name is Bob. I’ll perform the ceremony today.”
I took his hand. “It’s nice to meet you. Sorry I was late coming down.”
“No problem. Now, where would you two like me to marry you? In the living room?”
“Sure.”
“Would you like a religious or non-religious ceremony?”
Jeremy and I glanced at one another, and I turned back to him and shrugged. “Religious, I suppose.”
We followed him into the living room, as did Jeremy’s parents and siblings, and stood in front of the minister.
As I looked at Jeremy and said my vows, I wondered if he could sense the wavering of my voice. It was unnerving knowing that the way I loved him made feel vulnerable to him. My heaviness lifted in those moments when he said his vows because I could hear his vulnerability as well.
I took out Jeremy’s ring, which I had hid from my parents, afraid that they’d take it, and slipped it on his finger. He slipped the sterling silver Celtic ring on my finger, which we’d purchased that day.
The minister smiled broadly and turned to Jeremy. “You may now kiss your bride.”
I suddenly became shy, unsure of how to kiss him with his family watching.
He kissed me and my cheeks burned.
“I thought this day would never come,” he whispered.
Jerry and Cheryl rented us a hotel suite that night. After checking in, we made our way through the corridors of the hotel and found it. Jeremy swiped the card key and pushed the door open. We dropped our overnight bags just inside the door beside the kitchen counter and looked around. The bedroom was separate from the living quarters with a wall and a gas fireplace between them. We walked into the bedroom and saw an oval Jacuzzi with a mirror surround in the corner of the bedroom.
Jeremy stepped toward it for a closer look. “We’ll have to take advantage of this tonight.” He turned around and smiled. When he saw me his face dropped. “What’s the matter?”
I looked around the room again. “It’s really nice.”
“That wasn’t the question.”
I ran my hand along the hearth, making sure to avoid his eyes. “My stomach hurts.”
He walked over to me, put his arms around me, and led me to the bed. “Why don’t you lie down and I’ll run get you some Tums? I’ve heard that heartburn is common in pregnancy.”
“It’s not heartburn.”
“What is it then?”
“I don’t know. It just hurts—like I swallowed a big ball of clay.”
Once he’d seated me, he turned to face me, frowning. “I don’t know what that means.”
I waved him away. “It doesn’t matter. What would you like to do?”
“No, no. You need to tell me what I can do for you. I don’t want you feeling terrible on our wedding night. We just got married. We should be happy.”
I forced a smile.
“What about a glass of milk. Will that help?”
“I don’t know. Maybe.”
Jeremy grabbed the room key and his wallet. “I’ll go get you some milk.” He opened the door to leave.
“Jeremy?”
“Yeah?”
“While you’re out, could you buy me a razor?”
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