Release

Marriages are never ours to possess in the first place. We can maybe have illusions that they are, expecting certain outcomes from certain actions that we may take to save them, believing that what is being released out into the universe is ours to take captive in order to save them. This is where I’m at today. Sometimes marriages don’t need to be saved. Maybe it’s that some long happy marriages are really just that: long happy marriages. Any maybe it’s not that those marriages failed, but that they were successful, and yet ended.

For those of you who know me well, you would know that the past eight months have not been easy. You would also know that I’ve had a beautiful love story with Jeremy, one that has touched my life so profoundly, that it inspired me to begin writing just because it was bubbling to get out, setting the ball rolling for my writing in general. Jeremy and I have known each other for twelve years now, and had been a couple for almost eleven of it. Not everyone gets to fall in love in the way I did, and yet for some reason painted in the stars, I feel like I was given this incredible gift. I can’t help but be truly grateful for what I’ve been given. My marriage, for the most part, has been long and happy, full of life, love, and passion.

Today has been a day of letting go for me. I ended my marriage seven weeks ago, and while it’s been a wobbly letting go over eight tumultuous months, I feel like today was a day of much needed closure. As I stood over the copy machine, copying the hand-written letters of our beginning, remembering how in love we once were and how we just knew we’d be together forever, I sobbed over every sentence I read, and knew that our love affair really is released.

I’m not angry anymore. I know now that the end of our marriage hasn’t been the result of just one thing, but rather that I knew in my soul that it was time to finally give up the fight and let it go. I wish to honor Jeremy tonight in that.

Jeremy, if you’re reading this, thank you for the letters. Thank you for our story. Thank you for our kids. Thank you for the laughter. Thank you for the passion. Thank you for every last one of our years together. If I could do it all over again, even knowing what I do now, I wouldn’t hesitate.